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Published Tuesday July 7th, 2009 at 1:27pm

Original Article by Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy

This is hard. I hate it, but I'm coming clean. I hate that I am feelseen as some kind of super strong birthmother because I am suppose tobe immune to this sort of thing in my head. Guess what..I'm human. I'mnot perfect. In fact, I am probably just as messed up as everyone ofus. I just hide it well.

Periodically, people ask me how myreunion with Max is going. In case you haven't noticed, I haveneglected to update it. I have ignored the inquires. I just don'tanswer.

The last time I spoke to or saw Max was on my birthday..last year. As in 2008. Like over 13 months ago.

It was a great visit. He surprised me on my birthday, stayed over and we all got to spend time together. Yeah!

Then,after that.. well.. I regressed. I know I did. Adoption became just toomuch for a while. I didn't write last summer. I didn't blog. I was sadI couldn't go to New Orleans for the Adoptee Rights Protest. I was verydepressed over the situation with Garin and him going to his Dad's. Myseparation anxiety was on overload and I was massively triggered byfeeling like a bad mother and abandoning another child. I tried toforce myself into some sort of new denial.. and that was it. A breakfor the summer was not too bad…probably healthy in a way.

Andthen I was ready. I thought about contacting him. I thought about it alot, but I didn't. I don't know why. I was stuck. I was scared. I wasnot emotionally strong enough to tackle adoption for a bit.

Partof me felt that I had to focus on the man child in my house who reallyneeded that attention. Part of me just didn't want to deal withadoption at all. I tried sucking down some Kool-Aid, but it only mademy tongue turn green and the taste in my mouth was sour.

But I thought about it a lot. And somehow became overwhelmed with fear.

See..I know my boy. He's never been good with the email business. I alwayshad to tell his girlfriend that he needed to check his email box andthen he would. I called her my secretary and adored her for it, butthen, they broke up. I lost my secretary.

He hasn't checked hisMySpace in forever. He's not active on Facebook.. he's there, but I cantell he joined up like over two years ago and hasn't bothered checkingsince. I wonder if he even remembers his log in information. I wonderif he even remembers his old email addys that I have.

Not beingable to make sure he would see an email, was scary. See, if I email himand he never answers, then all I have is his cell phone number. Andlord, knows that young people change their cell phone numbers reallyoften. So if I email him and he doesn't get it and then I call him andthe number is disconnected.. then I am just lost.

So I can'tcall. I mean I CANNOT call him. I am so incredibly fearful of callingthe number and him NOT having the phone any longer in service. All Ican do is be obsessive over it all.
If I call and the number is badthen I will have no choice but to freak out all over the place. I wouldrather avoid that. So I can't call.

It's quite a predicament.

Iknow I need to get over it. I did finally send the emails to him atboth the addresses I had. I heard nothing back. I sent him the messageover at Facebook. I have heard nothing Back. Part if me is justsaying.. he's busy, he has things going on.. this is what he has alwaysbeen like.. and I don't think it is a pull back or some righteous angeror anything like that.. of course, I could be just telling myselfthings to make me feel better.. but in my heart, no matter what.. Iknow it has been too long.

That statement drums in my head allthe day.. it's been too long.. it's been too long.. and the motherpanic is rising like a sharp's been too long.. I'm gettingmore afraid by the day… it's been too long.. I have to know soon..where is my baby? Where is my boy?

If I call him and the number's not good anymore.. then what can I do?

I'm friends with my former secretary on Facebook, but do I want to make her dig up her ex for me?
Icould mail something to him, but to be honest, do I trust that he wouldever see any mail form me if other people got it first? Not totallyconfident there, and I would hate to have to wait some more...

Ihave Googled for some mention of him, but he IS offline. My boy hasgone underground. And is he underground from me.. or from life? What ifsomething bad happened!!! NO! Can't think that. Shush! IS he hidingfrom me? What if he thinks I am ignoring him ( as opposed toobsessing).. what if he thinks I got bored or am uninterested.. what ifTHIS is how it always Is? What if he just slips away again? Please,someone tell me that it gets better than this? This fear always.. thiswondering.. never a solid ground.. never knowing where you stand..never just NORMAL.. somewhat normal. Not insane fear and obsessing??

Hi,I am that super birthmother who everyone thinks is strong and perfectas could be and I am just as FUCKED UP as the next one.

And I amnot telling you this because I want support. No hugs, no understanding,nothing. Just read this and shush…Please don't tell me that I just haveto get over and call him. I KNOW! Please don't. I don't want to talkabout it. I just don't want it to be a secret anymore. I just can'tstand not being truthful and open. I cannot write if I am not real. Ijust need you to know that I am just as screwed up and human as therest of us.

I have to process whatever this is. I am in theprocess of getting over this problem, but it's taking time. I finallyanswered when someone asked on Facebook. I wrote his emails. I googledhim. Now I am telling you.

I will get there, but in the meantime, know the truth: "Touched by Adoption"=not normal ever.
Not even for me. No one is immune.
No happy endings ever.