Interview with a Birthmother

Susie G. is a birthmother.

About Susie as a Person....

WhatI would like you to know about me as a birth mother: The fact that Ichose to give my child up for adoption does not mean that I would havebeen a bad parent. I would have been a wonderful mother to my son. Ihave always loved my son, and I always will!

What I would likeyou to know about me as just "Susie": I am happily married to awonderful man, we celebrated our 26th Anniversary yesterday! We have 3children, one son-in-law, one almost daughter-in-law, and 6grandchildren that live within a mile of us. I was "reunited" with myfirst born son in January, he is happily married with one son, adaughter that will be born in August. I am the office manager in anelementary school and I LOVE my job there. My hobby, actually more of apassion, is quilting. I also enjoy cooking & baking, photography,and hanging out with my girlfriends - some of us have been friendssince grade school, the rest since high school.

Susie Shares Her Experience as a Birthmother.....

Igrew up in a VERY unhappy house. Parents fought all the time, dadalways angry, mom was an undiagnosed manic-depressive. I was 15, lethormones take over ONE night. "He" was 19 or 20, had just moved to townto stay with his friend that was dating one of my friends. After thatone night, I never again allowed myself to be alone with Tom, as I knewI had made a mistake, did not want to give myself away to anyone untilit was for "real" love. About a month or so after that night, Tom &his friend decided to move to Colorado - I never again heard from him,did not know at the time that he was going to be a big part of myfuture. (If I had known, I would have gotten more info so that some dayI could tell my son about the other half of his dna.)

When Ifound out I was pregnant, it was 1979. At that time you could notattend the public high school once you started to show, so I had toattend school at Florence Crittenton Center for the 2nd semester of myfreshman year. I refused to raise an innocent child in the hateful,ugly household that I was living in. I knew that if I moved out, Iwould never be able to graduate high school, so that was never anoption either. From the beginning I knew that I would have to give mybaby up for adoption. I wanted him to have a mother AND a father,wanted him to grow up in a house of love, not hate.

I asked Susie to Give a Message to Anyone She Wanted....

Icould give a message on many issues with adoption! I guess my mainmessage to anyone considering giving up a baby for adoption would be tothink long and hard about your choice. Giving up your child is FOREVER,not just for 18 years. You give up your grandchildren along with yourchild. You will NEVER stop loving, missing, wanting, your child. Giventhat, you will go on, be happy again, learn how to live this life thatnow includes being a birthmom.

To anyone that has chosenadoption, instead of worrying about all the bad things that might behappening with your child, put out positive thoughts. Pray for theadoptive parents to be the best parents for your child, pray that yourchild bonds completely with his/her parents...

My message toadoptive parents would be to always let your child know he/she wasadopted, to avoid a sudden "telling". If your child is ever in reunion,be accepting, ask to be a part of the reunion. Adoption after all doesnot just effect the mom that gave birth and the child, it does involvethe adoptive parents. Just as a parent can deeply love more than onechild, one child can deeply love more than one mom or one dad. Be happyfor your child - after all, is there such a thing as too much love?

Should Adoptees Have Access to Their Records?

Ido feel that adoptees should have access to their birth information,including birth certificates. Everyone should be able to know theirheritage, their medical info. Unfortunately, this will cause as manyproblems as it will give help though. It will cause as many bad,unhappy reunions as it will cause happy ones.

Susie Shares Her Reunion Experience...

Theday I got the email that my son was looking for me was the happiest dayof my life, second only by the day I received my first email from him!The most beautiful words I have ever heard in my entire life were "Heis healthy, yes he is happy, and he has wonderful parents."

Whenmy son turned 18, I put my basic information on an adoption reunionwebsite so that if he ever looked for me it would be possible. I didnot feel that it was my right to look for him, but I wanted him to beable to find me if that is what he wanted. I did not want to "intrude"on his life if that is not what he wanted. My son started looking forme, but posted on a different website. Thankfully, there are adoptionsearch angels out there, and for some reason my son's posting got anangel's attention, she decided to see if she could find his mom forhim. On Friday, January 16th, I checked my email to find 3 emails fromthe search angel, one from my son. 2 weeks had passed from the time Kim(our search angel) found my posting. She listed her phone number so Iimmediately called her, then emailed my son. He was out of town, didn'tget the email I sent him until Sunday, giving me a dose of what it feltlike for him waiting 2 weeks for me! For the first 6 - 8 weeks weemailed each other several times a day, now it is a few times a week.Right now he is not ready to meet in person or talk on the phone, but Iam hopeful that the day will come that he wants "more".

I senthis mom & dad a letter in April, telling them that I was so happyto be able to get to know Chad, how thankful I was that they were suchwonderful parents for Chad, and to also let her know that I had nointention of becoming a "mom" to Chad, that I was so happy that her andChad were very close. (No matter what relationship Chad & I willhave in the future, I will not be his "mom", his mom is the person thatgot to hold him every day, take care of him, teach him....) I receiveda beautiful letter and card from Chad's mom for Mother's Day. She ishappy for both of us, she wants to be a part of this "reunion". I am SOhappy that she is supportive of this, I am looking forward to hopefullybecoming friends with the woman that gave so much to my son, and bythat - to me. I would love to know about her and her husband, heartheir stories about being a mom & dad to Chad.

Have You Ever Been Made to Feel to Blame or Shameful?

Therealways was, still is heavy shame that I felt for becoming pregnant at15. I was a "good girl", but becoming pregnant implied that I was"slutty". People judged me more heavily on that one mistake than theydid on any good things that I did. Society then looked at teenagepregnancy as much more shameful than it does now. The fact that girlshad to go to a "special" school added shame to the situation. The waywe were "herded" to the clinic together, made to wait in line in ahallway for our turn in the exam room, standing there in our medicalgowns, how humiliating, shameful. The doctors looked at you as justanother pregnant kid, not as a person. When in the hospital in labor,the nurses were so "clinical", not personal at all. The way they madesure I didn't see my son when he was born. The way he was "hid" from meduring our stay in the hospital, kept out of the nursery so when Iwalked down there to try to see him I was not able to. When walkingback to my room on the day I was going home, I went past a little roomof some sort, there was a lady in there dressing a baby, I wondered ifthe baby was mine, going to his new home, and the lady saw me, quicklywent to shut the door, telling me that yes, it was him, and god forbidthat I actually see my own baby.

Thank you somuch Susie, for sharing your story. I truly believe that it is when wecan see the faces, hear the pain and the joy and read the words fromTriad members themselves that we'll truly be able to remove the stigmasattached to women, adoptees and adoption in general.