Share on Facebook | More ArticlesOriginal Article by Amanda W.
Published Saturday June 27th, 2009 at 5:09pm
"momof3sons" is a reunited birthmother of two sons, now ages 43 and 40.
Do you mind sharing how you became a birth mother?
Itotally had a crush on this one boy in school, and one night when I waswith him and another couple, I gave in to him. The next time we weretogether he didn't take no for an answer, even though I said no andtried to fight him off. To make a long story short, I felt worthlessand didn't think saying no would stop any man or boy and quit trying toresist. I ended up with multiple sex partners and by the time I knew Iwas pregnant, didn't know who the father was. Three years later, Ifound myself in the same situation. I don't remember ever having achoice in surrendering my babies and had spent 40 years trying toforget, but of course never did.
I had always thoughtmy sons would hate me, and didn't even know how much I loved them andneeded to know them until after being found by my oldest. I had neverseen him, held him, or heard him cry. When I saw his face the firsttime he was 40 years old! When I had my second son there was no way Iwas not going to see him, so I got about 20 minutes with him before thesocial worker took him away. I had told my older son about his 1/2brother and decided to put my info out there just in case he waslooking for me. We found him within hours of getting the non IDinformation as he was registered on adoption.com and had a myspacepage.
If you could give a message to anyone (or multiple people) what would it be?
Doeverything possible to keep a child with his biological family. I havelearned a lot about the effects of adoption on all parties involved. Ifyou enter into an 'open' adoption, beware, because there are no legalprovision to keep it open.
Birthmother's, please don't be afraidof reuniting - it will most likely be a good thing as it has been formost of the moms I know from my on-line support groups! There are manyups and downs, and that's why it's called a roller coaster ride! Ifnothing else, it brings some closure to the loss of our 'babies' - itwas like they had died, but we weren't allowed to grieve, because they'didn't exist'!
Do you agree with opening up unconditional, uncensored access to birth records? Why or why not? YesI do think records should be open - and think maybe they should neverhave been sealed. Any person, at least and adult, should have access totheir medical history and heritage, it is a human right.
Have you been reunited with any of the members of your Triad? If yes, what was the experience like? Yes,I am reunited with my sons, the older one for 3 years now and theyounger for nearly 2. For me it has been a very positive experience,which is rather amazing because I had lived in fear of being found andnever would have searched. I didn't think I had a right. It took me acouple months after the initial contact to be able to accept having anykind of relationship with my oldest. Then slowly, through emails andIM's we got to know each other and after 3 months met f2f for the firsttime! It was quite an emotional day - but in the end, we neither onewanted to leave! The next year, to the day I saw my second sons facefor the first time in nearly 39 years. Another long emotional day, butall worth it!
The hardest part of reunion for me wastelling my raised son about his brothers - he never knew! His responsewas so comforting - he just said, Mom, it's not that big a deal! Thenwent on to tell me he could possible have a child with an oldgirlfriend, but she had been seeing someone else too, so he may neverknow.
It has been such blessing in my life that I nowwork as a search angel and try to help others reunite.I have had a fewsuccessful searches and hope to have many more!
My babies will never be back, but I have some wonderful new friends that I happened to give birth to!
Have you ever been made to feel shameful or to blame? What made you feel this way? Ialways felt shame - especially about not knowing who the fathers mysons were. Through therapy I have come to realize I am not totallyresponsible for that, that I became who I thought I was and did what Ihad to do to survive. Maybe the fact that my babies were never spokenof in my home after their births had a lot to do with the feeling ofshame, I thought I was not supposed to talk of them, and secrets onlyhurt everyone. It is taking me a long time to not feel shame, I stilldo.
Thank you so much to Momof3sons for sharing her special story! I've enjoyed reading it and I hope all of you will too.
Do you mind sharing how you became a birth mother?
Itotally had a crush on this one boy in school, and one night when I waswith him and another couple, I gave in to him. The next time we weretogether he didn't take no for an answer, even though I said no andtried to fight him off. To make a long story short, I felt worthlessand didn't think saying no would stop any man or boy and quit trying toresist. I ended up with multiple sex partners and by the time I knew Iwas pregnant, didn't know who the father was. Three years later, Ifound myself in the same situation. I don't remember ever having achoice in surrendering my babies and had spent 40 years trying toforget, but of course never did.
I had always thoughtmy sons would hate me, and didn't even know how much I loved them andneeded to know them until after being found by my oldest. I had neverseen him, held him, or heard him cry. When I saw his face the firsttime he was 40 years old! When I had my second son there was no way Iwas not going to see him, so I got about 20 minutes with him before thesocial worker took him away. I had told my older son about his 1/2brother and decided to put my info out there just in case he waslooking for me. We found him within hours of getting the non IDinformation as he was registered on adoption.com and had a myspacepage.
If you could give a message to anyone (or multiple people) what would it be?
Doeverything possible to keep a child with his biological family. I havelearned a lot about the effects of adoption on all parties involved. Ifyou enter into an 'open' adoption, beware, because there are no legalprovision to keep it open.
Birthmother's, please don't be afraidof reuniting - it will most likely be a good thing as it has been formost of the moms I know from my on-line support groups! There are manyups and downs, and that's why it's called a roller coaster ride! Ifnothing else, it brings some closure to the loss of our 'babies' - itwas like they had died, but we weren't allowed to grieve, because they'didn't exist'!
Do you agree with opening up unconditional, uncensored access to birth records? Why or why not? YesI do think records should be open - and think maybe they should neverhave been sealed. Any person, at least and adult, should have access totheir medical history and heritage, it is a human right.
Have you been reunited with any of the members of your Triad? If yes, what was the experience like? Yes,I am reunited with my sons, the older one for 3 years now and theyounger for nearly 2. For me it has been a very positive experience,which is rather amazing because I had lived in fear of being found andnever would have searched. I didn't think I had a right. It took me acouple months after the initial contact to be able to accept having anykind of relationship with my oldest. Then slowly, through emails andIM's we got to know each other and after 3 months met f2f for the firsttime! It was quite an emotional day - but in the end, we neither onewanted to leave! The next year, to the day I saw my second sons facefor the first time in nearly 39 years. Another long emotional day, butall worth it!
The hardest part of reunion for me wastelling my raised son about his brothers - he never knew! His responsewas so comforting - he just said, Mom, it's not that big a deal! Thenwent on to tell me he could possible have a child with an oldgirlfriend, but she had been seeing someone else too, so he may neverknow.
It has been such blessing in my life that I nowwork as a search angel and try to help others reunite.I have had a fewsuccessful searches and hope to have many more!
My babies will never be back, but I have some wonderful new friends that I happened to give birth to!
Have you ever been made to feel shameful or to blame? What made you feel this way? Ialways felt shame - especially about not knowing who the fathers mysons were. Through therapy I have come to realize I am not totallyresponsible for that, that I became who I thought I was and did what Ihad to do to survive. Maybe the fact that my babies were never spokenof in my home after their births had a lot to do with the feeling ofshame, I thought I was not supposed to talk of them, and secrets onlyhurt everyone. It is taking me a long time to not feel shame, I stilldo.
Thank you so much to Momof3sons for sharing her special story! I've enjoyed reading it and I hope all of you will too.