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Published Saturday June 27th, 2009 at 5:09pm

Original Article by Amanda W.

"momof3sons" is a reunited birthmother of two sons, now ages 43 and 40.

Do you mind sharing how you became a birth mother?
I totally had a crush on this one boy in school, and one night when I was with him and another couple, I gave in to him. The next time we were together he didn't take no for an answer, even though I said no and tried to fight him off. To make a long story short, I felt worthless and didn't think saying no would stop any man or boy and quit trying to resist. I ended up with multiple sex partners and by the time I knew I was pregnant, didn't know who the father was. Three years later, I found myself in the same situation. I don't remember ever having a choice in surrendering my babies and had spent 40 years trying to forget, but of course never did.

I had always thought my sons would hate me, and didn't even know how much I loved them and needed to know them until after being found by my oldest. I had never seen him, held him, or heard him cry. When I saw his face the first time he was 40 years old! When I had my second son there was no way I was not going to see him, so I got about 20 minutes with him before the social worker took him away. I had told my older son about his 1/2 brother and decided to put my info out there just in case he was looking for me. We found him within hours of getting the non ID information as he was registered on adoption.com and had a myspace page.


If you could give a message to anyone (or multiple people) what would it be?
Do everything possible to keep a child with his biological family. I have learned a lot about the effects of adoption on all parties involved. If you enter into an 'open' adoption, beware, because there are no legal provision to keep it open.

Birthmother's, please don't be afraid of reuniting - it will most likely be a good thing as it has been for most of the moms I know from my on-line support groups! There are many ups and downs, and that's why it's called a roller coaster ride! If nothing else, it brings some closure to the loss of our 'babies' - it was like they had died, but we weren't allowed to grieve, because they 'didn't exist'!


Do you agree with opening up unconditional, uncensored access to birth records? Why or why not? Yes I do think records should be open - and think maybe they should never have been sealed. Any person, at least and adult, should have access to their medical history and heritage, it is a human right.

Have you been reunited with any of the members of your Triad? If yes, what was the experience like? Yes, I am reunited with my sons, the older one for 3 years now and the younger for nearly 2. For me it has been a very positive experience, which is rather amazing because I had lived in fear of being found and never would have searched. I didn't think I had a right. It took me a couple months after the initial contact to be able to accept having any kind of relationship with my oldest. Then slowly, through emails and IM's we got to know each other and after 3 months met f2f for the first time! It was quite an emotional day - but in the end, we neither one wanted to leave! The next year, to the day I saw my second sons face for the first time in nearly 39 years. Another long emotional day, but all worth it!

The hardest part of reunion for me was telling my raised son about his brothers - he never knew! His response was so comforting - he just said, Mom, it's not that big a deal! Then went on to tell me he could possible have a child with an old girlfriend, but she had been seeing someone else too, so he may never know.


It has been such blessing in my life that I now work as a search angel and try to help others reunite.I have had a few successful searches and hope to have many more!
My babies will never be back, but I have some wonderful new friends that I happened to give birth to!

Have you ever been made to feel shameful or to blame? What made you feel this way? I always felt shame - especially about not knowing who the fathers my sons were. Through therapy I have come to realize I am not totally responsible for that, that I became who I thought I was and did what I had to do to survive. Maybe the fact that my babies were never spoken of in my home after their births had a lot to do with the feeling of shame, I thought I was not supposed to talk of them, and secrets only hurt everyone. It is taking me a long time to not feel shame, I still do.

Thank you so much to Momof3sons for sharing her special story! I've enjoyed reading it and I hope all of you will too.