Share on Facebook | More ArticlesOriginal Article by Rebekah Pinchback
Published Wednesday December 23rd, 2009 at 7:55pm
On the way into work, today, my morning radio station had an adopteecall in for "therapy" advice. It's usually about that time, in theshow, I switch channels (I have small tolerance for insignificantbanter), but I stopped short, as soon as I heard the word adoption.The girl was in her early thirties and wanted to look for her birthmom, but was afraid of hurting her adoptive mom's feelings. She feltcaught because she loves her family, has had a wonderful life, and herbrother (also adopted) has no desire to meet his birth mom, yetshe has this longing to know her biology. Several times over the lastfew years she'd brought it up to her family, but was always met withcringed smiles and strained answers. Part of her family's hesitationcomes from the birth mother's history (what they know of it) - drugs,jail, countless men, etc. The girl was calling to ask what thelisteners thought - should she ignore her adoptive family's hesitationand pursue her birth mom or, like her brother, should she just lay itto rest and be content in her present life?
If you're like me, this stirs numerous thoughts.
IfI didn't have a strict, no-talking-on-the-phone-with-Ty-in-the-carrule, I would have called in and said, "Go. Go find your birth mom.Your adoptive mom will work it out."
Although this situation istotally unlike ours, I can empathize with the adoptive mom. She isprobably experiencing a rainbow of emotion from pride to fear and herprotective mama bear heart wants to cover her daughter from furtherhurt, if it doesn't work out. I get that. I think there would also bean element of - Am I not good enough?
I also feel forthe daughter. I try to put myself in other people's shoes, often. Itgives me an appreciation for perspective. If I was adopted, it wouldn'tmatter how great and full my life was, I would still be curious aboutmy beginnings. I understand why adoptees desire reconnection.
Assoon as I got into work, I ran to my computer and emailed my thoughtsto the radio host. I'm not sure if they read my opinion on air or not,but I try to campaign and cheerlead open adoption as much as I can.When I hear stories like the one above, my heart bleeds for allinvolved. Nothing about adoption is perfect, but the same holds truefor parenting biological children. Adoption is complicated; life iscomplicated. I'm not saying our way is the best way or that openadoption is always the answer, but it sure is the best for Tyrus...andI know it can be for others, too.
I am so thankful. SO THANKFUL.That God has given us the opportunity to live out open adoption,first-hand. I'm thankful that Ty will not have pieces of his storymissing or have to fantasize about what was. I'm thankful that my heartis forever bonded to Rebekah and that we both prefer the othermother, above ourselves. I'm thankful that I'm able to talk freely andopenly with Rebekah without ever questioning my words. I'm thankful forBen and his partnership - that our hearts our in agreement when itcomes to Ty and his birth family and our family. I'm thankful thateveryone in our life has embraced open-adoption and recognizes God'smighty hand in little Ty's life.
We are not perfection. But God is.
WhenI look at Rebekah, I see the Father. I see the same unconditional lovehe had for his son. Rebekah made great sacrifices, for Ty...and Tyruswill always know. He'll never wonder. Rebekah is a familiar face andname in our home and will always be a standing presence in Ty's life.
Thisweek, Rebekah and I were talking about some things on my heart and fromthe conversation, Rebekah reminded me that even if she never gets totalk to Ty, she will be satisfied in our relationship, knowing that Iam caring for her son in the best way I know - and he's happy. I, ofcourse, immediately responded with, "Talk to him? Are you kidding me?As soon as he says his first word, you better believe we'll be callingto show it off!"
Here's the thing about ouropen-adoption. My heart is wide-open to Rebekah. I don't call herbecause I'm being nice. I don't involve her in Ty's life because I knowit's best for Ty. I embrace her because I love her! She is my familyand my heart and I want to share our life with her.
I am so thankful that Ty will never have to be the adoptee calling into a superfluous radio station asking for therapy
If you're like me, this stirs numerous thoughts.
IfI didn't have a strict, no-talking-on-the-phone-with-Ty-in-the-carrule, I would have called in and said, "Go. Go find your birth mom.Your adoptive mom will work it out."
Although this situation istotally unlike ours, I can empathize with the adoptive mom. She isprobably experiencing a rainbow of emotion from pride to fear and herprotective mama bear heart wants to cover her daughter from furtherhurt, if it doesn't work out. I get that. I think there would also bean element of - Am I not good enough?
I also feel forthe daughter. I try to put myself in other people's shoes, often. Itgives me an appreciation for perspective. If I was adopted, it wouldn'tmatter how great and full my life was, I would still be curious aboutmy beginnings. I understand why adoptees desire reconnection.
Assoon as I got into work, I ran to my computer and emailed my thoughtsto the radio host. I'm not sure if they read my opinion on air or not,but I try to campaign and cheerlead open adoption as much as I can.When I hear stories like the one above, my heart bleeds for allinvolved. Nothing about adoption is perfect, but the same holds truefor parenting biological children. Adoption is complicated; life iscomplicated. I'm not saying our way is the best way or that openadoption is always the answer, but it sure is the best for Tyrus...andI know it can be for others, too.
I am so thankful. SO THANKFUL.That God has given us the opportunity to live out open adoption,first-hand. I'm thankful that Ty will not have pieces of his storymissing or have to fantasize about what was. I'm thankful that my heartis forever bonded to Rebekah and that we both prefer the othermother, above ourselves. I'm thankful that I'm able to talk freely andopenly with Rebekah without ever questioning my words. I'm thankful forBen and his partnership - that our hearts our in agreement when itcomes to Ty and his birth family and our family. I'm thankful thateveryone in our life has embraced open-adoption and recognizes God'smighty hand in little Ty's life.
We are not perfection. But God is.
WhenI look at Rebekah, I see the Father. I see the same unconditional lovehe had for his son. Rebekah made great sacrifices, for Ty...and Tyruswill always know. He'll never wonder. Rebekah is a familiar face andname in our home and will always be a standing presence in Ty's life.
Thisweek, Rebekah and I were talking about some things on my heart and fromthe conversation, Rebekah reminded me that even if she never gets totalk to Ty, she will be satisfied in our relationship, knowing that Iam caring for her son in the best way I know - and he's happy. I, ofcourse, immediately responded with, "Talk to him? Are you kidding me?As soon as he says his first word, you better believe we'll be callingto show it off!"
Here's the thing about ouropen-adoption. My heart is wide-open to Rebekah. I don't call herbecause I'm being nice. I don't involve her in Ty's life because I knowit's best for Ty. I embrace her because I love her! She is my familyand my heart and I want to share our life with her.
I am so thankful that Ty will never have to be the adoptee calling into a superfluous radio station asking for therapy